Testing Testing

Life is but a series of tests.  And some tests are just not meant to be taken.  I have tried this test over and over...but I fail every time.  But it's a test that's ok to fail.  It is telling me to stay away.  That I won't get well if I keep trying right now.  There is no happiness...only sadness and extreme pain...feeling like I am the one who failed to begin with.  And I can't seem to deal with that at this time.  I need to know that I am not a failure...and that I can progress regardless of this fucked up situation. 

I don't know what I hope is the outcome of all this.  Maybe that I wish we could both be happy.  But I'm not there yet.  I don't know when that will be.  You wanted what the heart wanted...you knew it would really hurt me...but what did that matter?  You never said sorry.  You gave me a shitty present instead.  And I returned your shitty present so there would be no memory of you.

So I have to stay away as much as it hurts to cut you out of my life.  It is truly better that you are not in it.  Maybe one day you will understand a bit to what this has felt like, or maybe not.  Either way the ultimate test is to say goodbye...and to forget...and to get stronger...and to overcome.  Because feelings cannot be controlled my friend, I have tried.  I have tried for you and I have tried for me.  But in the end, this is my life and I will not let you control it anymore.  Goodbye for now....